Raising Jeff was not so much for him as for me. Jeff was finally out of misery that he could not reconcile in this life. I do not believe today that he hung himself in the Aurora PD's jail/holding cell. I do believe Jeff wanted out of the emotional and mental hell he was prisoner of. When I tried to raise Jeff from the dead, I wasn't sure what my actual motive was. Looking back, one of the hardest things to admit is I was not ready to grow. I was not ready to move out of the domestic violence cycle. Not ready to accept responsibility for marrying a man I had no business marrying. The dreaded time had come for me to face life on life's terms. What was I going to do about the mess I had played into? The song that keeps going through my head is the one by The VLA on the television show Damage, "When I'm through with you, there won't be anything left . . ."
The initial shock when your lover commits suicide is shock. Shock. Stark. Naked. Like broken, jagged glass imbedded in my heart.
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